It is amazing to me how husbands and wives can live in the same house, and drift to a place of disconnection, emotionally, spiritually and physically. It isn’t intentional. It just happens. Trish and I have been in that place. It isn’t fun, but how do you snap out of it? How can you get back on track with your spouse when it feels like there’s distance between the two of you?
The best way to have something different, is to do something different. You want to reconnect with your spouse…carve out one hour, go to Starbucks this week and talk through these five questions.
1. How are you, really?
This is deeper than, “How was your day?” “How was work?” “What did you and the kids do today?” This question needs to be given time to move beyond, “Fine.” Fine is a four letter word in marriage. Whenever someone says their fine, they aren’t fine. “How are you, really?” Ask it and don’t take fine for an answer.
2. How can I help you this week?
For years I would tell Trish, “I can’t read your mind.” This question takes that out of play. Maybe your husband is drowning with work this week and he needs you to pay some bills. Maybe your wife has a deadline for a project and needs you to pick up the kids from school. We can’t assume our spouse knows our needs if we don’t communicate them. This question gives both of you the opportunity to get on the same page and work together as a team. Isn’t that what you signed up for anyway?
3. What is one thing you’re scared of right now?
This question is peeling back a deeper level of your spouses heart. Most of the time, we all live with some form of fear. Maybe its financial fear; maybe it’s a career fear; maybe one of your kids is struggling and your spouse is fearful of how it is going to play out. Maybe they are scared of losing you. Scripture says that “perfect love drives out fear.” As you and your spouse share your fears with one another, you give God the power to drive that fear out. This question allows your spouse to be more fully known.
4. How can I pray for you this week?
Some of my most intimate conversations are with God. I share my most vulnerable moments as I pray. When I am willing to truthfully share with Trish what I would like her to pray about for me, I am sharing more of my heart with her. This question gives your spouse permission to be vulnerable spiritually with you. It is an intimate question. A bonus would be if after they shared, you spent some time praying for them, right then. That is MONEY!
5. What do you wish we had more time to do?
This question gives you the opportunity to dream together. Maybe it is a weekend get away. Maybe it’s a vacation this summer. Maybe it’s a walk in the park. The answer to this question will give you both a picture of doing something together that will help you reconnect.
Don’t settle for disconnection this week. Ask these five questions and take time to listen to the answers. I promise you it will make a huge difference in your marriage.